Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that The Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth to live the life of anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren she's a lovely lady and a great Italian woman and role model;'

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna, although sometimes controversial she's a great entertainer.

*poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sarah Pipalini..'

St. Peter looks confused. 'Who?' he asks

'Sarah Pipalini,' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

[paul needham]

An elderly couple reaching their 80s are about to get married, but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.
She said: "I want to keep my house."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "I want to keep my Car."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "And I want to have sex 7 times a week."
He said: "Put me down for Fridays!!!"

[paul needham]

A circus owner runs an advert for a 'lion tamer wanted' and
two people showed up......

One was a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other was a
drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her
mid-twenties

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two
had better be good or you're history."

Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun ......
Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps
right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and
begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous
brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect
naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly
crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several
minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says
"That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks,
"Can you top that?"
The old golfer replies,
"Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

[Mike Ellis]

An electrician went to a mental hospital to fit a new plug in a ward. He was directed to the ward and told that there was a patient in there but he was harmless , so in he went.
There was this huge man sat on the bed and the electrician said to him " don't. Worry mate. I,m only fitting a new plug !!"
After a while, the big the man came over and said " watch this !" so the electrician turned round and saw the man had
a huge spider in his hands!
He placed the spider on the floor. And said ". Spider.... Go Forward, The spider did as he was told. "Stop ,said the patient, "now turn round and come back here ! The spider duly turned round and came back.
With this the electrician said " That's amazing !!! did you train him to do it ? " yes said the patient ,but I have a theory ,watch !!
With that the electrician look a bit concerned at what was coming next !!!
The patient then pulled all the legs of the spider and placed it on the ground. "Now spider go forward ( nothing happened !) "spider come back"(again nothing happened !!)
Now you see ,said the patient, that's my theory !!! "What theory is that the said the electrician?" ( looking rather worried !!)
"Well" said the patient, " I now know for sure that when you pull the legs off a spider THEY GO DEAF!!!!!!!

[Mike Ellis]

I was driving my car the other day and accidentally hit the car in front of me up the rear.
Feeling rather embarrassed I got out of my car, and the driver of the car I hit also jumped out. I was surprised to see he was a dwarf!!
He ran up to me and in a loud voice shouted " I am not Happy "
I looked him up and down and " Ok ,so which of the seven are you " !!!!

[Phil Cross]

Subject: A dead Duck, a Lawyer and a Farmer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me retrievve that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in northern Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[paul needham]

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.



Here is the glorious winner



1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:



2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."



9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]



10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[paul needham]

The Six Affairs.

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.

One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying ba***rd!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.

'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
As he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Jack Kennedy]

Reportedly, a woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight..
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."


Picture this:

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All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!

Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, But they were trying to change airlines!


True story.....
Have a great day and remember.....


THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED.

[John Evans]

trust a scotchman to copy whats been on before

[Jack Kennedy]

Sorry John
I've never seen it before, if I have I apoligise. and for your Info. scotch is a drink the word your looking for is SCOTSMAN
only someone from yorkshire or should I say (brewtopia) Englandshire would come out with something like that

[John Evans]

I stand corrected lol

[paul needham]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters
that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[paul needham]

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.

One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The elder nodded in agreement.

The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white fella go wrong?"

The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:
"When whitefella found the land, us blackfellas were running it.

There were…
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled:

"Only white fella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."

[Tony Collins 1073]

Couldn't resist posting this. Would post a lot more if the old image posting system was still in place.

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.

While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”

The deadly chase was recorded. Click here.....

https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8?rel=0

[Jack Kennedy]

Groans

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[Mike Ellis]

A pregnant lady went into hospital to give birth.
She was transferred to the delivery room and the nurse asked her " would you like your hubby here ". "No" she replied ," I'm not married" "Ok" said the nurse, "So how about your partner? ". "I don't have one of those either" she said.
You see I have had a very difficult life and unfortunately the only way I could earn any money recently was to take part in a porn film with a blond Scandinavian guy.
The nurse said " we'll I am not going to judge you as it's none of my business "
The lady duly went into labour and had a little boy.
As the midwife helped with the delivery, she looked up and said " I,m sorry to tell you that your baby has very dark skin "
" Oh " said the mother that must have been the coloured guy I had sex with at the same time as the white guy !! "
"Ok" said the midwife but its also got slanting eyes too !!!!!
"Ah said the new mom that must be from the Chinese guy who was in the same scene with me as the other two !!!!!!

"Ok "said the nurse here's your baby " and she handed the baby to the mother.

The mom turned it over and smacked its bum and the child let out a shrill cry .
"Why did you do that " said the nurse .
The new mom said " I was checking it didn't bark !!!!!

[paul needham]

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

[paul needham]

At his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.


Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.


Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.


‘Darn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody me!’


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.


He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.


‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.


He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way.....’;


He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘darn it’ and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’;


Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody stoned . But how did you know?’;




‘Mick phoned .. .. . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

[paul needham]

Invention of the Car Reversing Sensor.


Most of the newest cars have a “Back-Up Sensor” that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.

Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of engineers, but research recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer.

His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something.