Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Some Paddy jokes.

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."



Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the
police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"


A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to
guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!



Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says
"Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef.


Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're
making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even
at home yesterday."


Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked
in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in
the bedroom lately &the therapist recommended
I do something sexy to a tractor."


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're
going to drill for their own oil...


Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, -

I'll take her with me!"



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."



Paddy's in the bathroom
and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.

[DAVE JOHNSON]

Tony---good to see you back posting on here---hope you are keeping well-----DAVE

[Ian russell]

IMG_0531.JPG (438.51 KiB) Viewed 15007 times

[Phil Cross]

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the country fair every year. And every year Stewart would say "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Barbara always replied "I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!".

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said "Barbara, I am 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter I might never get a chance".

To this this Barbara replied " Stewart that helicopter ride is seventy quid and seventy quid is seventy quid".

The pilot overheard the couple and said " Folks, I'll make you an deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny. But if you say one word it's seventy quid"

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kind of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his dare devil tricks over and over again. But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't, I am impressed!"

Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out, but you know, seventy quid is seventy quid !!"

[Peter Smedley]

Seniors Banking... PRICELESS!!


Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:
Don't make old people mad We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

[paul needham]

Irish Cop


A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then
any Mick cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cops expense!!
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer
and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[david whiston]

Driving to work the other day, found mself in slow traffic and pulled alongside one of those RAC recovery trucks, the type that come and load your motor on and take you home, Anyway as I drew level with the cab , I glanced across and couldnt help noticing that the driver was crying his eyes out,,,,,,, I thought to myself,,,, "He's heading for a breakdown "

[Tony Collins 1073]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed..

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached
him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.The
bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he
had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death
in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps,
when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only a moment
before..

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,


( scroll down )





' ................BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'


WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked
breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'



(. . . Wait for it ....)



(.. . . It's worth it.. ....)







'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'
****************************************************************************

[Tony Collins 1073]

A young woman started work in the small English Village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would

be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms;

they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large).
The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into

the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

The girl panicked.


She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs,"

her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the

guy's legs.

"Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ..




He's the window cleaner

[/size]

[Steve Perry]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

Then they ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"


"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

[paul needham]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

[Tony Collins 1073]

Comedy comes in many different guises and for the more senior members - agewise it meant a lot of good clean fun
and no blaphemy as of today. In fact there were so many different very gifted comedy acts that we were spoilt for choice.
If you are old enough to remember this example then you will have lived through a golden era of comedy.

http://www.wimp.com/harpo-and-chico-pla ... yo-quiero/

Watch until the end to appreciate fully.

[paul needham]

.

[Steve Perry]

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street.

They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.
...
Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the Armed Forces is the best?"
... ...
Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven."

Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their answer.?

Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:

MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE
TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best

1. All branches of the Armed Forces are honourable and noble.

2. Each serves the United Kingdom well and with distinction.

3. Serving in the military represents a great honour warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.

4. Always be proud of that.

Warm regards,

GOD
Royal Air Force (Retired)

[paul needham]

A modern love story

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages
on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the
husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message
and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you
are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me
a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are
crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."

[Phil Cross]

First Ex Wife
-----------------

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Darling, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the workshop.

You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid collection of toy planes.

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: “I wasn't

[Phil Cross]

Scottish Independence



If Scotland gains its independence in any forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the “Former United Kingdom,” or FUK.

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting “yes” in the referendum, the Government is intending to campaign with the slogan “Vote NO, for FUK’s sake.”

They feel the Scottish voters will be able to relate to this.

[Steve Perry]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 45 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the

piano, he's gonna shove that gun up, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."

[Dave Kellett]

Mrs walked into the lounge last night and sweetly asked..............what's on TV darling? quick as a flash I replied Dust.........that's when the fight started.

Mrs been asking me to mend the mower for ages, but never got around to it..........found her on her knees yesterday with a pair of scissors cutting the grass, well me being a kind and thoughtful kind of husband, I went back into the house to fetch a brush, as she asked me to

Here you go I said and threw down a toothbrush sweep the path when your done..................The Drs have said I should make a full recovery, the large swelling between my legs WILL eventually go down, and my eyes should open again fairly soon.


Mrs asked me the other night to scratch her back..............WHAT !!!! says I why do you go out into the garden and use the fence like all other cows do......................I am currently in the back of an ambulance where the paramedics are very concerned about the wounds around my head.


My Mrs hasn't got a sense of humour in the morning..................swapped her Tampax during the night for a party popper with the string hanging down.................she ain't got a sense of humour in the mornings.

Well it's our wedding anniversary and me being the kind romantic type said 'Darling let me take you out for dinner this evening' WOW!!!! she exclaimed that would be nice thank you.
I said to my son, when we are out can you put a new battery in the smoke alarm please, cos the smoke alarms going to have the night off.

Decided the other night to take her indoors out for a change. She spent ages getting ready and I mean AGE'S, then I hear her call me from the bedroom.............well I thought not to miss an opportunity, I am up the stairs like greased lightning, only to be greeted with......'Well what do I look like?...........quick as I am I reply 'Well every stich in that dress is doing it's job'
Well I am now back in A & E with very concerned doctors wondering if they should withdraw life support..........SHE DON'T HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR IN THE EVENINGS.

We were in church the other Sunday and during the vicars sermon she very quietly asked me what she should do, as she had f**ted very quietly. I replied I think it's time for a new battery in your hearing aid's.

And this one gentlemen is the honest truth.
On returning home from work 10 years ago. I walked into home only to find my mother in law sat in MY favorite chair, My immediate thoughts were Ohhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooo here we go again.
I just very nicely said 'Hello Dorothy I knew you were here' and her reply was 'How did you know' well just for a second I had suicidal thoughts and replied 'Well you cant miss your broomstick parked out side'
Well as I said earlier that was 10 years ago and she has never spoken to me since..........Life is pure bliss.
And yes.............this is the truth HONEST.
There you go Dorothy fame at last or should it be infamy???

Well that's it for now and I hope you enjoy having a titter reading these just as I have in writing them.
There has been no offence intended and I certainly hope none has been taken.


Dave

bye the way...... I am happily married.

[Phil Cross]

Enjoy

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.r

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton , lying back on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him between his legs was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."