Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

For men and women with

a sense of humour

[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Phil Cross]

This is Priceless!



This is Priceless!

Note reference to the "Main Stream Media"...

72 years ago‼️





What is meant by the modern term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"...

The definition is found in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence, Missouri.



The following are copies of four telegrams between President Harry Truman and General Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945.



The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!



(1) Tokyo, Japan 0800-September 1,1945



To: President Harry S Truman

From: General D A MacArthur



Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?



(2) Washington, D C 1300-September 1, 1945



To: D A MacArthur

From: H S Truman Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!



(3) Tokyo, Japan 1630-September 1, 1945



To: H S Truman

From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?



(4) Washington, D C 2120-September 1, 1945



To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz

From: H S Truman

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the clean end!



Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' really means…..

[Tony Collins 1073]

A warbird that is really worth watching

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWZTTg0hEwI

[Steve Perry]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

[Jack Kennedy]

Sadly This Is Real Life

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It's where we are.

[Jack Kennedy]

BREXIT 50p Design Leaked

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[Jack Kennedy]

PORSCHE DRIVERS

A Merchant Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Porsche driving Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' cries the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'Bloody Hell' !!' he screams........'Where's my gold Rolex????...

[Jack Kennedy]

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[Phil Cross]

A Thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.



The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”



Thief: “You must really love your wife!”



Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”....!

[Jack Kennedy]

Words For Teenagers

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[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Phil Cross]

Jeremy Corbyn goes to the bank: "Good morning", says Jeremy, "could you please cash this cheque for me ?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?"

Corbyn: "I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Labour Party and the Opposition!!"

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are Sir, but with all the bank regulations, monitoring, impostors and forgers etc., I must insist on seeing some identification".

Corbyn "Just ask any of the customers here at the Bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the Bank rules and I must follow them".

Corbyn: "I'm urging you, please cash this cheque for me".

Cashier: "Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Tiger Woods and we cashed his cheque.

On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Corbyn starts to think and think and finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes into my mind. In fact I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."





Cashier: "Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Corbyn!"

[Jack Kennedy]

This sounds a bit far fetched and I don't know if it is true, but it is funny.

Manure.. An interesting fact.

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) ,............. "So it's really not a swear word"

which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I

I had always thought it was a golfing term.

[Bob Thompson1894]

And I thought model flyers invented it...

[Jack Kennedy]

Sex For Seniors

Old Timer Sex
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well. 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake? 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply.

'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[Tony Collins 1073]

The subject of the Women’s Institute Northern branch was 'Feminine Assertiveness'


The first speaker, a lady from Yarm, stood and said;
'During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb' (the crowd cheered).


The second speaker from York , stood up and said;
'After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Colin that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well' (the crowd again cheered).


The third speaker from Newcastle, stood up and said;
'Afta last yee-ah's confrence aah went hyem and telt that lazy basstad Geordie of mine, that ah was nee langa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his foud and washin his kecks and that he was ganna hafta de them hisell' (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes)
She continued.....'Afta the forst day, I nevah saw nowt, afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta the thord day I could see a little bit oota me left eye'.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Life is funny at times

[Tony Collins 1073]

....

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Compensation

A man in hospital is told that his manhood was crushed to a pulp in a car crash.



The surgeon tells him; 'We can re-build it but it's a thousand pounds an inch. The compensation should be more then enough to cover the cost. It's for you and your wife to decide how many inches you want. If you go for a larger one than you had before, she might be pleased. If you go for a smaller size she might be disappointed. So talk to her.



The surgeon asks him next day; 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the fellow.

'What decision did she come to?'

'She wants a new kitchen!'