Fun stuff goes here.

[Bob Thompson1894]

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just doing a bit of maintenance

[Bob Thompson1894]

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this is what everyone is doing wrong.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Supreme Act




A hypnotist was entertaining his audience in a seaside theatre by inviting volunteers to join him on the stage, and then making them fall under his spell.



Finally, standing at the centre of the stage and facing the auditorium, he said:

“Ladies and Gentlemen! I am going to perform a trick never seen before in this theatre! I am going to put all of you, all 350 of you, under my spell!”



The good old British audience roared back: “Not on your Nelly!”, “Never in a month of Sundays!”, “Pull the other one!”



The hypnotist, holding a pocket watch by its chain and swinging it slowly, looked at them with great concentration.

“Keep your eyes on this watch. Follow its movements: left, right, left,.. right,... left,... right,.... you are getting sleepy,.... deep,........deep,..........sleep,............you are all asleep now...”



At that very moment the chain snapped, the watch hit the floorboards and fell apart.

“Oh, ****!” said the hypnotist.



The theatre closed for three days to allow a team of cleaners to clear up the mess.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Something very different - very topical - very good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KPbJ0-DxTc

[Steve Perry]

When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatised I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead **** had an identical twin.

[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Tony Collins 1073]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.

“”With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ...

"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer?!"

[Tony Collins 1073]

Should We Re-open the Country?

Opinions of the Medical Community.




The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the matter and the Gastroenterologist claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off with the idea.

Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Government.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Holographic Image Of a Whale. Amazing.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC7Hbji2ZpI

[Tony Collins 1073]

Revisiting the past

Back in the days of tanners and bobs,

When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.

When almost all children wore hand me down shoes,

And T.V. had two channels, either to choose.

Back in the days of three penny bits,

When schools employed nurses to search for your nits.

When snowballs were harmless, ice slides permitted

And all of your jumpers were warm and hand-knitted.

Back in the days of hot ginger beers,

When children remained so for more than six years.

When children respected what older folks said,

And pot was a thing you kept under your bed.

Back in the days of Listen with Mother,

When neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.

When cars were so few you could play in the street,

Doctors made house calls and police walked the beat.

Back in the days of Milligan's Goons,

When butter was butter and songs all had tunes.

It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,

And you looked forward to a day by the sea.

Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green,

Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream.

When children could wear free NHS glasses,

And teachers stood at the front of their classes.

Back in the days of rocking and reeling,

When mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.

When woodwork and cookery got taught in schools,

And everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.

Back in the days when I was a lad,

I can't help but smile for the fun that I had.

Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.

Back in the days of tanners and bobs!

"Rule, Britannia! Two tanners make a bob,

Three makes one and six and four two bob".

[Tony Collins 1073]

I have no idea how such a closed country could develop such an advanced aircraft.

This technology in the hands of the North Koreans is frightening.

Even with all of the American defence spending, I doubt the US can deal with this North Korean technology.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw3faKnH6qA

[Tony Collins 1073]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.


It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get
you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you
over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Husband Supermarket


A brand new supermarket has just opened that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except by the exit!


So, a woman goes there to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and have a romantic streak.



She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 312,486 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Supermarket.


To avoid gender bias, the owner opens a New Wives supermarket next door.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have lots of money.
The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Take aim.

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[Tony Collins 1073]

The Bishop and the Brigadier

A bishop and a brigadier were playing golf and the brigadier’s shot went wide of the hole.

‘Damn,’ he said, ‘the bloody thing has missed’.

At the next hole his shot going wild, the brigadier was annoyed.

Damn,’ he said, ‘the bloody thing has missed again’.

‘Brigadier, you shouldn’t swear’, the bishop warned him.

‘Bishop, I have spent my whole life in the army and this is the way I speak’, said the brigadier and swore every time his ball went wide.

The bishop warned him, ‘Brigadier, your constant swearing is not going to go unheard.’

‘Well, bishop, my friend, I am too old to change my ways.’

His next ball going wide the brigadier had let go once more, ‘Damn, the bloody thing has missed again’.

A moment later there was an almighty crack of thunder and a bolt of lightning struck the bishop dead.

An angry voice was heard coming from high above:



‘Damn, the bloody thing has missed again’.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Collection of Interesting Reports

in Newspapers

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[Tony Collins 1073]

..

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[Tony Collins 1073]

..

[Tony Collins 1073]

Passing Thoughts While Growing Old


God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked or got on with.

The good fortune to run into ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.



Now that I am older, here’s what I discovered:



I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, but my body is falling apart.

Funny, but I don’t remember being absent minded.



All reports are in: Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you are the dog; some days you are the lamppost.



I wish the buck stopped here; some days I could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is, when you are in the bathroom.



If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

When I am finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It isn’t hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and the grave is the depth.



I spend a lot of time these days thinking about the hereafter.

I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I am here after.



You don't stop laughing as you grow old,

you grow old because you have stopped laughing.

[Tony Collins 1073]

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