Fun stuff goes here.

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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » December 17th, 2009, 3:25 pm

AIRFORCE TEST



This will drive you batty!

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal.
It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots.
They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try but be careful....it is addictive!!


Good luck you'll need it for 10 seconds.


See if you can beat this old mans score.

Show it if you can.


http://members.iinet.net.au:80/~pontipak/redsquare.html


Tip: Easier with a mouse than a laptop mouse pad.
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BRIAN RAWCLIFFE
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SOMETIMES IT DOES TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST

Postby BRIAN RAWCLIFFE » December 20th, 2009, 4:52 pm

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this........

Royce Rolls responded with the following one-line memo:


DEFROST THE CHICKEN !

Seasons greetings to all fellow LMA members ..... Brian.

martin collins
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby martin collins » December 23rd, 2009, 7:46 pm

Here`s a seasonal clip to get you chuckling :¬)
...........Martin

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea ... ID=9694027

martin collins
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby martin collins » December 23rd, 2009, 9:07 pm

So the the seven times World Formula one champion Schumacher is coming back to have his A*RSE whooped by Hamilton, this was spotted on the Pistonheads forum as possible new advertising for Spifire beer :lol:
`Downed all over Kent, just like the Luftwaffe.................Spitfire Beer`
(The bottle of Britain)
........Martin

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » December 25th, 2009, 12:35 am

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,

'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.'**

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged.

'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.'

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.'







Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,** **Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

and a Happy New Year.'



MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A VERY HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL 2010

:lol: :lol:
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » December 25th, 2009, 12:36 am

RETIREMENT.

A bit of fun here. Make sure that you have sound on.

Click on the link...scroll down the bottom to download.... when download window opens just click on open and you are there.
There are several pages, and you just have to click on each one to move on.

http://share.ovi.com/media/Idiminnal.pu ... nnal.10001

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » January 8th, 2010, 11:45 am

Youngsters read in disbelief. :shock: Oldies see what we've lost :cry: :cry:




REMEMBER WHEN.

All the girls wore ugly gym slips.

It took five minutes for the TV to warm up

Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school

Nobody owned a thoroughbred dog, just mongrels.

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny

Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces

You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol
served, without asking, all for free, every time.

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
at a real restaurant with your parents

They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed. .
. And they did it!

When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car... And couples went steady

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were
always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked

Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the
rules of the game

Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and
hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger

And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could
slip back in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.

When being sent to the head's study was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, rounders , Hula Hoops, and visits to the pool, and eating sherbert with liquorice > sticks. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember that'?

Remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.
Send this on to someone who can still remember the Lone Ranger and Sgt Bilko


How Many Of These Do You Remember?

Coca Cola in bottles.

Blackjacks and bubblegums.

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops.

Hi-If's & 45 RPM records.

78 RPM records?

Adding Machines??

Scalextric.

Do You Remember a Time When..
Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'? 'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching tiddlers could happily occupy an entire day?

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was'chickenpox'?

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a catapault?

War was a card game?

Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange - flavored chewable aspirin?



Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who needs a break from their 'Grown-Up' Life

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » January 9th, 2010, 2:29 pm

Let me see if I understand all this


IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS
HARD LABOR.


IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.


IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, PENSION CARD, WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE FOR YOU AND YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY.
SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT!!!

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » January 9th, 2010, 2:54 pm

It happens to all of us...

You're driving along

just minding your own business,

when all of a sudden
-
without any warning,

This Dick In A Truck

pulls out right in front of you
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Happy Winter Driving Season!!!

Please Be Careful Out There

and Stay Safe

Cause They're Everywhere!!!
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » January 10th, 2010, 9:21 pm

WINTER......

YOU AINT SEEN NUTTIN YET!!!!!!!!

http://www.slideshare.net/Biottec/winte ... ch-2781700

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Dave Parry
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Dave Parry » January 11th, 2010, 2:03 pm

This was sent to me by John Cross, have a look.

During a private "fly-in" fishing excursion in the Alaskan wilderness, the chartered
pilot and fishermen left a cooler and bait in the plane.
And a bear smelled it. This is what he did to the plane.
The pilot used his radio and had another pilot bring him
2 new tires,
3 cases of duct tape,
and a supply of sheet plastic.
He patched the plane together, and FLEW IT HOME!
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » January 21st, 2010, 10:08 pm

SENIOR MOMENT:
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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music..

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » January 21st, 2010, 11:43 pm

Baptising an Irishman

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?'



(Are you ready for this????)



The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,









'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'



Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » January 30th, 2010, 1:02 am

Love Making Tips For Seniors
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1. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.


2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle


3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)


4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.


5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.


6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.


6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.


8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.


9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!


10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..!
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)




Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » January 30th, 2010, 1:10 am

A small glimmer of hope in the gloom



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'Viagra' is now available

in powder form

for your tea.


It doesn't enhance your sexual performance

but it does stop your biscuit from going soft...







Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » February 3rd, 2010, 12:20 am

This will explain why YOU (US ) "Old-timers" have so much trouble with computers.
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » February 3rd, 2010, 12:23 am

Continued
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » February 3rd, 2010, 12:58 am

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

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Denis Brown
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Denis Brown » February 5th, 2010, 8:29 pm

A fellow drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
>dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
>wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
>
> 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even
> more.
> Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
> lights flashing and siren blaring.
>
> He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
> 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the
> trooper's arrival.
>
> Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
> at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
> If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
> I'll let you go.
>
> He paused. Then said, '5 years ago, my wife ran off
> with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
>
> 'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper...

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Dave Parry » February 5th, 2010, 9:57 pm

Here's one that was sent to me by email.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.

It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says :
'You just happened to catch my eye.'


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