Fun stuff goes here.

This is an area for Off Topic Discussions which includes Tony Collins popular Fun Stuff.
DAVE JOHNSON
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby DAVE JOHNSON » June 9th, 2010, 4:43 pm

Now Now Solly,get back to building your ward drobes !!!!1

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » June 18th, 2010, 8:27 am

VERY INTERESTING STUFF



In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule
of thumb'


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Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented... It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only....Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.


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The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.


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Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.


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Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.


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Coca-Cola was
originally green.


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It is impossible to lick
your elbow.


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The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)


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The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

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The average number
of people airborne over the U.S.. in any given
hour:

61,000
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Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..


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The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.


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--------- -

The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments..


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Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:


Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander,
the Great

Diamonds - Julius
Caesar

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111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
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------

If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle..
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes


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------

Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.


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------

Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace

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Q.. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?


A.
Obsession
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Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?


A. One
thousand
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Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?


A. All were invented
by women.


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Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

A.
Honey

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Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?


A. Father's
Day

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---





In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'


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It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon..


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In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts.... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'


It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'


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------

Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.


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------

At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!



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-


Don't delete this
just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read
it.


I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


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------
YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...


1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.


2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.



4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.


7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen


8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee



11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )


12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.


13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.


14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list

~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.

Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
elbow.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


martin collins
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby martin collins » June 19th, 2010, 10:14 pm

Jenson and Lewis build a car!.............

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zf40OzfwOo


...........Martin

martin collins
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby martin collins » June 21st, 2010, 7:43 pm

This had me and the wife in stiches...........Martin


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-Ln_rqPpPk

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » June 27th, 2010, 11:11 pm

Two businessmen in Cardiff, Wales, were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old
woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What
are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a***-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only
two left."


Pensioners -- don't mess with them!


Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » June 27th, 2010, 11:15 pm

Ultimate bumper sticker
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Tony Collins 1073
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Postby Tony Collins 1073 » June 28th, 2010, 7:39 pm

Senior Citizens
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » June 28th, 2010, 7:51 pm

The Beginning Of Logic
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » July 2nd, 2010, 9:30 am

Subject: Murder at Tesco


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...










'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » July 2nd, 2010, 9:31 am

The old ones are the best ....


A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking
his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset..


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
Cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the
lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and .... Put his
arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
Until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
Together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
Shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way
when
he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
Red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a
night
of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He
fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and,
realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman
cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'


Paul Savage 1568
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Paul Savage 1568 » July 6th, 2010, 8:47 pm

Take a look at this folks. Mike feels that we should all share his nightmare moment that took place at the LMA Garden Party at Catton Park.
Very funny and a much better save than anything you are likely to see in the world cup finals.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuIrC1cQZeU

Barry Bennett
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Barry Bennett » July 6th, 2010, 9:46 pm

Clubbers in West Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths,the west yorkshire police call it
E BY GUM.

User avatar
geoff dales
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby geoff dales » July 7th, 2010, 6:51 am

Image
LMA 3141

Paul Savage 1568
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Admirable abilities

Postby Paul Savage 1568 » July 7th, 2010, 6:24 pm

I can't fly a model like Rob Skipton can. Heres a short clip for you of one of his performances at the Garden Party event..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FVCZwpzTXg

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » July 10th, 2010, 5:04 pm

Cleaning the Outhouse
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Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in the hills
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Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

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Ma says- "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
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So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
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Tony Collins 1073
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Continued

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » July 10th, 2010, 5:06 pm

Continued
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Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

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BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....


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Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says...
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"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » July 10th, 2010, 5:12 pm

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.

Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)





After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

markduffy
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby markduffy » July 13th, 2010, 8:33 am


ian redshaw
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby ian redshaw » July 14th, 2010, 9:02 am

Is anyone else desparate for the month to end, just so that they are not greeted on the home page by the North Eastern branch of the Delboy and Rodders Appreciation Society?? The pair look like market traders, that Crosby bloke looks a right cheeky chappie, I can hear his 'apples and pairs' accent from just looking at the pic. Blimey, still 17 days to go!!!!!

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » July 14th, 2010, 6:18 pm

The Aussie Wish.


Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that XXXX!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat


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