Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

IMPORTANT MEDICAL INFORMATION



Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.


It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.


Just thought you'd like to know...

[Tony Collins 1073]

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down..........

Baby.gif (49.84 KiB) Viewed 13277 times

'You got Male!

[Tony Collins 1073]

Five Surgeons

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Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the A-SEhole - and they are interchangeable'

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Project of the Day at the Hebrew Home for the Aged ”was, “Try to create something from memory .

[Dave Parry]

Don’t blame me Phil it was that sprout eater in Lincolnshire that sent it.

[Denis Brown]

scous.jpg

Don’t blame me Phil it was that sprout eater in Lincolnshire that sent it.

I KNOW NOTHING

[Tony Collins 1073]

No hiding in the shadows either.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm
based in Dublin .

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar
qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the
interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?"

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t
know.'

You put down,

‘Neither do I’.“

[Tony Collins 1073]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. "What for?"
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At 87 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'....

'The damned judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[Tony Collins 1073]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'


THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other

Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'


IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[Mark Partington 2989]

Tony

I hope you don't mind, but I just had to copy those to another forum


Mark

[Tony Collins 1073]

Be my guest Mark, and if the other forum has got anything worth copying to here, feel free.

[Tony Collins 1073]

This is undoubtedly the most expressive picture I've ever seen of an animal. Especially look at his eyes. You can almost hear him say these words;


"YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?"


The look on this dog's face is priceless...

[Mark Partington 2989]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.'

'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike--it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'

'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'








'You're in the team for Tuesday.

[Tony Collins 1073]

TATERS


http://www.frontiernet.net:80/~jimdandy ... eettators/

[Tony Collins 1073]

What happens if you leave your computer on over night?

This is VERY CLEVER and done by someone with a lot of talent.



http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/ ... becker.swf

[Tony Collins 1073]

Two Clever Nuns.



There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.


A little while later...


SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.




And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

---------------------------------------------

[Tony Collins 1073]

GOOD COMEBACK

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours
- blue, green, orange, red & purple -
and my dad kept staring at her.

The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.


When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:



"What's the matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?"



Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke
on his response - I knew he'd have a good one!

In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:




"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

[Tony Collins 1073]

A bloke goes to a local civic centre to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points
for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm.....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on
starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for
any special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you
coming in for that!"


Sounds like where I go to 'work'.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Mixican playing with his balls

The mind boggles.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ba4ecmNvAMA