Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

A golfer’s tale
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college, and I was pretty good.
Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45 ."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.

She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45 ."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant, and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her.

The third week the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle -no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his penis was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!"




In case you have jumped straight on to page thirteen, there are two more new ones on page 12.

[Tony Collins 1073]

bmw

[Tony Collins 1073]

Test your average reaction time.

Be very careful this can be addictive.
Click on the blue link below and good luck.



REACTION TEST.....http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/ ... rsion5.swf

[Tony Collins 1073]

MERRY CHRISTMAS and a Happy New Year

Follow the instructions at the top of the screen and make sure the kids are watching, they will love it,

Christmas Card>>>>>> http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/previ ... 7/graphic1

[Tony Collins 1073]

Did Phillip fart?
I say he did...and he probably does all the time. What the Hell he's almost ninety, and at that age
you don't hold anything back even if you want to!

The really important question?

Did Philip Fart?

What do you think?


The expressions are priceless!

Look at Her Majesty's face!

[Tony Collins 1073]

A long read but the end is worth it


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
















Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?











Scroll down












The moral is....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....




Things are going to get ugly

[Tony Collins 1073]

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here

[Dave Parry]

Here is one from our sprout picker Den Brown I don’t think I ever want to see another sprout again or until next Christmas at least.

http://www.eyegas.com/attackofthesprouts/

Merry Christmas

[Mark Partington 2989]

The Big Scary C5 Galaxy

A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5′s nose cargo doors opened, saying, “I’m going to eat you.”

[Mike Booth]

Now this is priceless...... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqPJaJkvyWM and exactly why there are certs to take.

Lets hope none of these jokers ever get near a show display line.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Stuttering Group


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said :

"If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering,
I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up:
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham"

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out :
"G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out :
" London "..

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said;















”d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"

[Tony Collins 1073]

Would You Remarry?

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

Wife:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

Husband:
"Definitely not!"

Wife:
"Why not? Don't you like being married?"

Husband:
"Of course I do."

Wife:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

Husband:
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

Wife:
"You would?" (with a hurt look)

Husband:
(makes audible groan)

Wife:
"Would you live in our house?"

Husband:
"Sure, it's a great house."

Wife:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Husband:
"Where else would we sleep?"

Wife:
"Would you let her drive my car?"

Husband:
"Probably, it is almost new."


Wife:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

Husband:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do"

Wife:
"Would you give her my jewelry?"

Husband:
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

Wife:
"Would you take her golfing with you?

Husband:
"Yes, those are always good times."

Wife:
"Would she use my clubs?

Husband:
"No, she's left-handed."

Wife:
-- silence --

[Tony Collins 1073]

If My Body Were a Car

car.gif (49.98 KiB) Viewed 13095 times

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it…

Bd1.jpg (20.43 KiB) Viewed 13095 times

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Tony Collins 1073]

“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.


"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,


"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[Richard Sullivan]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.



A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.


Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.



A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before", he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper"

[Richard Sullivan]

(1) I was out driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable...

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.


(2) An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed

a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner

on board. Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at base he got a right telling off – apparently they were Allied Carpets


(3) The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused

from behind on stage last night… But to be fair the audience did try to warn him...

[Richard Sullivan]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:





Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs





She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:





Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.




'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'





So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:




Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.





'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.





She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.





'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'




Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:





Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.





She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:





Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.




The first floor has wives that love sex.




The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been

[Tony Collins 1073]

I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmQdi2DC0B8

[Tony Collins 1073]

Just talked to a mate from Australia about the floods in QLD.

He said that since early this morning the flood's nearly waist high, it's pissing down and wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing for hours but look through the kitchen window, she just stares.

He says that if it gets much worse he may have to let her in.....................

[Tony Collins 1073]

Grandma Still Drives!

Grandma.jpg (43.68 KiB) Viewed 12913 times

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!




Love, Grandma